Apeforce

You know what?  I’m tired of what/who I’ve been.  Not that what I am is bad or anything, I’m just tired of this version of me.  It’s time for a new, improved “GhostLemur”.  A GhostLemur with a little more of that confidence that comes from repeated hard-fought victories, a little more of that fire in his eye that springs from an intense desire to make things better, and a little more of that creative intensity that gushes from some psychological flaw God gifted him with.  A GhostLemur that takes comfort in knowing that he can make things happen, and does so on a regular basis.

 Why this need for more?  I’m not sure.  Maybe it’s just because in a couple months I’ll be 30 years old, and still don’t really know what on earth I’m doing here (or anywhere, for that matter).  If there’s one thing a man has in life, it’s his sense of accomplishment.  And you’d think with all that I’ve done here at my job (I’ve been recognized many times this year alone, and in Feb I’ll have been with the company 10 years!) that I would be satisfied with my accomplishments.

Nope.

You ever been hungry?  I mean really hungry.  Perpetually hungry.  You eat, and 30 minutes later your stomach is saying “More please!”.  So you eat again.  An hour later…”More please!”.  And you’re like “Geez, I just ate!” but your stomach is saying “How long do you think that was supposed to last, a week?  Come on, we’re burning calories here, I need FUEL!”  So you start eating protein bars to try to stave off your appetite, knowing that eating too much isn’t good for you, but the appetite doesn’t abate.  You snack all day to keep from gorging yourself, but that only whets your appetite.  You end up drinking Slim-Fast WITH your lunch.  Eventually…”More please!”  You go to a buffet thinking “This should take care of it!”  And it does.  Until the next day…”More please!”  You spend hours cooking a gourmet meal, and eat it.  But only a couple of days later you realize that your regular intake - though substantial - is insufficient.  It won’t be long before the hunger returns…

That’s how it is with me and my accomplishments.  Each one is great for the moment, but just like food, I burn through it pretty quick and it’s not too long before I NEED more.  Maybe that’s why I play video games - they give me a quick “accomplishment fix” (just a snack) to get me through the periods where NOTHING IS HAPPENING.  But lately those small victories are becoming less and less satisfying, and I’m getting hungry.

 I don’t think this is “ambition”, although I wouldn’t exactly mind if it was.  It seems everyone admires ambition, but to be honest I’ve never really want fame, power, etc.  I just want to look at something and say “How can I EVER top that?” and not have an answer 5 seconds later.  And then I want to do something that completely crushes it with something so over the top NOBODY could have imagined it, much less thought it was possible - including me.  I want to do something so tremendous that when it’s complete tears of joy flow uncontrollably down my face.  At that time I will feel proud to be me.  I will know that my life - to that point - would be a summed positive.

 But even then I know down deep in my soul that those victories, those huge gourmet meals - even as incredible and intense as they were - will eventually fade away leaving me hungry once more.  And unlike appetites for food, this appetite doesn’t diminish as I get older.  It grows.  Today’s need far exceeds yesterday’s provision.

Maybe it’s just the season (in all its inevitable disappointments), or the expectation that 2009 has to be so much better than 2008.  But here’s hoping that next year will bring more challenges, engagement, and intense victories and less disappointments, neglect, and permanent losses.